Harry Potter: And the Case of Spring Fever
by Octavia Eve
Summary: Professors are rolling,rabbits are foaming,Snape suddenly has the urge to herbal,and someone's lost their undies, oh my! I wasn't sure what to rate it,it could be PG-13 but I rated it R just to be safe. You'll R&R if you know what's good for you! lol
1. Harry Potter: And the Case of Spring Fev...

disclaimer: I do not own any of these charcters, they all belong to J.K. Rowling. With the exception of Octavia Eve she is my creation!  
  
Happy Pills At Hogwarts : Spring Fever  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were enjoying a lovely end of term afternoon by the lake. It was a fine sunny day on the Hogwarts grounds, birds were chirping, unicorns frolicking, flowers in bloom, naked professors rolling about, and...Wait a minute?! Naked Professors? What the...The three best friends were trying to soak up some sun, when all of a sudden they heard some odd screaming, that seemed to be coming from the castle, then a loud THUD. They turned around to look for the source of the commotion, only to see two very scanty clad people rolling down the slope of the lawn.  
  
"Wot in the Bloody 'ell?!" said Ron, bewildered.  
  
"I think some ones gone mad!" Exclaimed Harry  
  
"Erm..." Is about the only sound Hermione could manage.  
  
As the two bare skinned people sped toward them, they became a tad clearer. They could now see a fluffy head.  
  
"Is that...Ron struggled, trying not to gag Professor....Sprout?"  
  
"Blimey! I believe it is! But...who is that with her?"  
  
By this time the three of them had gotten up and slowly started walking toward the continually rolling pair. And Ron began repeating.  
  
"Oh please don't be Snape, please don't be Snape, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T BE SNAPE!"  
  
"Relax Ron, it doesn't look anything like Snape." said Harry.  
  
"Heh, right...it's just I'm already feeling a bit queezy, last thing I need to see is his greasy pu-"  
  
"Ron!" Hermione cut him off.  
  
"Right...sorry."  
  
"Y'know" said Harry watching the tumbling Sprout with her apparent beau."I don't ever remember the lawn being this long, I mean they've been rolling for wot, a good 10 minutes now?"  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione were at the foot of the small hill that lead from the castle down to Hagrid's cabin, when the plummeting finally ceased right at their feet. Now they had a close up view of the two nutters that had been rolling down the hill. Hermione covered her mouth as to suppress a gag. It was now clear that in fact it had been Professor Sprout, a barely covered Sprout at that (wearing, if wearing is the word for it, a fig plant, tied around her hips with a small vine, and two strategically placed fig leaves, held on with the same vine) and her friend that had accompanied her on their escapade down the land, was none other than the Minister of Magic himself Cornelius Fudge (who had a baby mandrake over his privates, how the mandrake stayed in place...well lets just say...it mustn't have been teething) Completely disregarding Harry, Hermione and Ron , they continued to wriggle around, until Ron, unable to take anymore,cleared his throat. Not being noticed the first time, he did again, again and again 'till Hermione who had had enough, decided to kick Fudge, being care full though as not to mess up her shoes. Finally Fudge looked up.  
  
"Oh, hello there!" He said merrily. A minute later his situation dawning on him. "Oh, er... I bet you're wondering wot Professor Sprout and I are... eh.. doing..."  
  
"It's a bit obvious." said Hermione flatly.  
  
But Fudge ignored her and continued with his testimony. "We...were... (then an idea came to him) testing the quality and springy-ness of the lawn!" As he grabbed a handfull of grass and held it up to them.  
  
"Er...riiiight..." said Ron with apparent disbelief.  
  
"We know wot you are doing we're not stupid you-  
  
Giving up his act "Al right! That's right we were about to BLOODY SHAG!" said Fudge "And if you don't mind I'd like to finish wot I started!" As he shook off his mandrake. Professor Sprout started giggling and they went on wallowing around toward the Forbidden Forest. 


	2. Of Romulus and Rabits

Chapter 2 : Of Romulus and Rabbits  
  
The three, a bit bewildered and disgusted, from the display of grotesque affection that they had just witnessed, headed toward the oak front doors.  
  
"Wot the hell was that?" huffed Ron "Honestly, haven't they ever heard of a bed?"  
  
"Well Ron, I'm sure some people get tired of beds after awhile. They want to spice it up a bit." replied Hermione, sounding all knowing as usuall.  
  
Ron threw her a questionable look "You're talking like you've had experience! I'm sure you didn't read that in Hogwarts A History!"  
  
Hemione blushed "Well... I.. Ron interrupted " YOU DIDN'T?! Don't tell me you and Krum...  
  
"Oh keeve over Ron! Of course we didn't I...just...read a few books on...it, just in case..."  
  
Harry watched silently as the two engaged, once again, into a heated argument. They continued their verbal scuffle all the way to the front doors of the castle. Then Harry spoke. "That walk seemed alot longer than usual." As he opened one of the doors ...suddenly a parade of fluffy pink and white rabbits billowed from every inch of the door, trampling them.  
  
Under a shower of fluff "Bloody 'ell! First naked loonies, now an army of rabbits! Wots next?"  
  
"How're we going to get inside?" asked Harry  
  
"I have no flipping idea!" said Ron irritably as a rabbit piddled on his face. "We could blast them out of the way!"  
  
"Ron!" yelled Hermione "How could you think of such a thing?"  
  
"Well" said Harry" It looks like the only way." As he shook off a rabbit that was trying to nest on his head.  
  
"No! I know a spell that might do it!"  
  
"Oh of course you do!" said Ron imapatiently.  
  
"Let's see... Ah! I've got it! Elevatio!" Hemione shouted, pointing her wand at a rabbit, the rabbit immediately flew upward.  
  
After about 15 minutes all of them shouting the Elevation Spell the door was finally clear and they were now entering the entrance hall, when...  
  
"Bloody 'ELL! Wot is that?!" Ron was pointing to wot looked like a man sized rabbit hoping around the entrance hall, on it's hind legs.  
  
"Erm..." It seemed to have spotted them and was now hopping in their direction. As it hopped they relized that it wasn't a giant rabbit...it was a man in what appeared to be a rabbit suit.  
  
"Wot kind of freaks does Dumbledore allow in this school?! I mean, I thought Snape was bad enough, now we have rolly-polely Sprout and Bunny Boy, here!"  
  
The man hopped up to them "Wabbit!"  
  
"Erm...I'm not a rabbit..." said Harry nervously.  
  
"Who is this nutter?" Ron whispered to Hemione. Hermione Shrugged.  
  
The man now turned to Ron "CAWWOT!!"  
  
"Erm...Right..." The man started closing in on Ron, "Wot are you...(Then to Ron's disgust the man started nibbling on his hair.) ..EWW..GEROFF!" But the man didn't stop, instead he picked Ron up, still munching on his hair, and started off with him. "Ahhh! Get it off!" Just as the man was about to hop out of site, Professor Lupin came running down the stairs.  
  
"Romulus!" He shouted . And the rabbit man stopped hopping "Put that boy down!" As he reached the bottom of the stairs. "I said put that boy DOWN!"  
  
Romulus shook his head and said "Cawwot, mine!"  
  
"No Romulus!" Said Lupin imaptiently. "This is a boy!" Lupin slowed down his speech as if he was talking to a small child "A boy!"  
  
Romulus looked at Ron with odd disbelief. "Boy?"  
  
"Yes Romulus." said Lupin in a soft voice.  
  
Romulus immediately put Ron down and attempted to flatted the part of hair that was now sticking straight up with his slobber. "Sowwie, I ish...vewwie sowwie."  
  
"Riiiight." said Ron . Romulus turned to Lupin with his head down, looking like a dog facing his master after peeing on the carpet. "I ish-" he started  
  
"It's ok Romulus, although I will ask you not to do it again. Now, will you please go sit in my office for awhile and try to calm down a bit? I've set out some carrots for you."  
  
"Cawwots!" said Romulus happily as he hopped away.  
  
"Sorry about that Ron, my brother is a bit off his hinges today," said Lupin apologetically.  
  
"Your brother?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Wot is...er...wrong with him?"  
  
"Ron!" Hissed Hermione as she bustled over with Harry, elbowing him hard in the ribs.  
  
"Oh it's al right." said Lupin "I don't mind being asked...you see on the third Tuesday of every month he partly transfigures into a rabbit."  
  
"Riiiiiiiight.." said Ron.  
  
"He has been transforming ever since he'd been bitten by a rabid Austrian Foamer," Lupin explained, "It's a type of rabbit, of course."  
  
Harry asked, a bit hesitantly "So..er..that isn't...a bunny suit?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Blimey! That's freaky looking!"  
  
"Yes...I suppose--  
  
As a girl with red hair went screaming past the top of the staircase, followed by "CAWWOT!" and the freakish man rabbit.  
  
"I'd better go tend to him, see you later." Lupin took off up the stairs and they saw him sprint out of sight.  
  
Then all of a sudden they heard a familiar cold voice "Dammit! Remus can't you keep this thing under control?!" Followed by an "Eeep!", a sort of choking/gagging noise and a thump.  
  
They heard Lupin shout "What the hell did you do to him Severus?!"  
  
"Nothing! He started chewing on my hair and then he...just collapsed!!"  
  
"Don't tell me..." started Harry.  
  
"...He tried to eat Snape's hair!" Hemione finished.  
  
"Uhhh gross! I hope he's not dead! Who knows when the last time that slime ball washed his hair was!"  
  
"Come on I wanna see this!" said Harry, he started up the stairs and the other two followed.  
  
They were almost at the top of the staircase when Lupin came around a corner carrying his brother. "If you washed your ruddy hair this wouldn't have happened! You greasy git!"  
  
"Excuse me?! Greasy git?! Who do you think you're talking to?! Just because your freak brother tried to attack me, doesn't mean you have the right to go mouthing off! It serves him right anyway! A thing like that should not be allowed to run around a school! It should be locked up!" said Snape in a highly agitated voice.  
  
"Much like you should!" Replied Lupin angrily. 


	3. The Urge to Herbal

Chapter 3:  
  
The Urge To Herbal  
  
Lupin and Snape seemed to be on the verge of a fist fight (seeing how Lupin had unnoticeably dropped Romulus on the floor and was now waving a clenched fist about 3 inches away from Snape's face) but before any blood was shed, Dumbledore (as though he had seen this argument in a crystal ball, or something) came silently walking down the corridor and right behind Snape and stood over his shoulder. As he stood there, a sour sort of look came over his face. Then one of his eyes started twitching a bit as he sniffed the air around Snape. His eyes widened and eyebrows rose.  
  
Now coughing from the stench "Gentlemen, *cough* what seems to be the *cough* problem here?"  
  
"Snape's hygiene! That's the problem!" yelled Lupin enraged.  
  
"Yes.." Said Dumbledore in an amused voice "That's true, his hygiene does seem to be a bit...*sniff*...disrepute." Snape shot Dumbledore a questioning look.  
  
"His grease-mop of a head caused my brother to pass out!" Lupin continued indicating to his brother who was lying on the floor, where he had dropped him.  
  
Snape gave Lupin a dirty look "Well if he didn't try to eat it--"  
  
"Well if you actually took a shower, my brothers heart rate would still be stable!"  
  
Dumbledore's eyes were wide once more "He tried to... (he now looked a bit concerned) eat it? Oh, poor boy."  
  
"Albus!" Snape exclaimed.  
  
"It's alright Severus, (Dumbledore patted him on the shoulder, trying to avoid contact with his hair) I've got an extra bottle of Herbal Essence in my office, you're more than welcome to it."  
  
"No Albus! Nooo!" cried Snape.  
  
"Yes Severus I strongly insist you...shower and...wash you hair."  
  
"No! I wont do it! You can't make me! You can't make me!!! You can't make me!!!!!" Snape looked nervous. Ron Snorted at this.  
  
"Severus, we can do this the easy way...or the hard way, the choice is yours and yours alone."  
  
"NO I WILL NOT!"  
  
"Very well then, I guess we'll just have to use some force. You know Severus, Madam Pomfrey has a new, young intern..." Dumbledore smiled "I know she would be more than willing to...help us out *giggle* I'm sure she's given a sponge bath or two--  
  
"NO!" Snape made to run, but before he could Dumbledore had seized him by the back of his robes. He began fighting to get free.  
  
"Remus, will you care to give a hand? I believe Severus needs an escort to the hospital wing" *chuckle*  
  
"Sure, Albus!" With a broad smile, seeing Snape panicking like this made Lupin very pleased. "But Professor, wot about my brother? We can't just leave him here."  
  
"Of course not. I suppose these three could bring him up to the hospital wing for us." Gesturing to Harry, Ron and Hemione.He then conjured up a stretcher with his wand and winked at Harry.  
  
"Er...sure Professor." said Harry. They all headed for the hospital wing. Harry, Hermione and Ron stayed a little way behind Professor Lupin, Dumbledore and the still struggling Snape, so they would be able to talk. They were walking behind Romulus' stretcher, their wands raised, keeping it in the air, as they laughed. "Look at that crazy git! He's afraid of water!" Ron chortled.  
  
"If I've known that, I'd have brought a water gun to all our potions classes." said Harry with a snort.  
  
"Water gun?" asked Ron .  
  
By the time Harry and Hemione had finshed explaining the mechanics of a water gun they were at the hospital wing. Lupin and Dumbledore had to practically throw Snape through the door. When they had all entered the room, they saw an unfamiliar woman scrubbing a bedside table. Ron's mouth fell open at the sight of her. She looked up at them all.  
  
"Why hello there Albus." She straightened up. She was a young woman and very pretty with a nice shape. Harry noticed her bright green eyes, they looked much like his. She had long,shiny,brown, curly hair, tied in a pony tail that lay over her shoulder. Apart from her eyes, another stunning feature were her almost perfect looking full lips.  
  
"Hello Octavia." Dumbledore said with a smile.  
  
"What can I do for you?"  
  
"Oh, it's not what you can do for me,my dear; it's what you can do for Severus here."  
  
She looked at Snape who was now attempting to hid behind a curtain, and laughed. "What's wrong with him?"  
  
"Well...he needs...a bath."  
  
She raised an eyebrow "A bath?" laughing "You are kidding?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid not, see Severus has a bit of a hygiene problem."  
  
"Oh? One of those, eh? Right then..."  
  
"I suggest Herbal Essence." He said brightly, running his hands through his hair, "It always makes my hair soft and shiny."  
  
"Yes, of course, theres a bottle in the shower." She turned to Snape and pulled back the curtain "Ready, are you? Come on then." She grabbed his wrist and jerked him out from behind the curtain. Snape pulled back. "Listen buddy I don't have time for your bullshit! Now get your ass in that bathroom! Unless, of course, you'd like Madam Pomfrey to sponge you down, instead." Snape's eyes widened and he took off toward the bathroom like a bat out of hell. "Works every time." She said to Dumbledore with a smile as she followed Snape into the bathroom.  
  
"Wonderful, isn't she?" said Dumbledore staring after her.  
  
"Yes, indeed." Said Lupin. A bit amused by the love-struck like look on Dumbledore's face.  
  
A minute later they heard "Take off your damn robes!" a pause "There you go, now in the tub." a loud slapping noise. Ron's eyes widened, Hermione looked at her shoes in embarrassment, and Harry stared open mouthed at the closed bathroom door. "Now do you know how to use this?" they heard Octavia say.  
  
"No" said Snape sounding a bit insulted.  
  
"I was only joking! How could you not know how to use shampoo?!" Octavia sighed. Then came a squirting noise and the wonderful smell of magically enhanced Herbal Essence filled the room.  
  
They heard Snape's nervous voice "What are you doing with th-- Ohhhhhhh yessss!" Hermione made a choking noise. Dumbledore turned around. "Oh I didn't realize you three were still here." They expected him to send them off, but instead he just turned back to the door. "Marvelous, that Herbal Essence, gives you the most splendid sensation..." Then they heard music and singing "I want to herbal in the shower for another half an hour! (Natural botanicals)" They heard Snape again; he seemed to be louder this time. "YESSSSSSSSS! YESSSSSSSSSS! Oooooh Ohhhhh!"  
  
"I gotta get me some of that!" said Ron. All of a sudden the bathroom door burst open, Snape came striding out wearing a pink bathrobe, flipping his, astonishingly shiny, volumed, clean hair. "Man, I feel like a women!" *gasp* 


	4. The Funky Thong

Chapter 4:  
  
The Funky Thong  
  
The room was filled with a collective intake of breath. Ron's mouth fell open. And Lupin said in amazement "Severus, your hair...it's...it's...CLEAN!" Dumbledore sniffed the air.  
  
"And you no longer smell like old cabbage!" He exclaimed, excitedly. Hermione stood, transfixed at the new and improved, no longer greasy Snape.  
  
"He's so...perdy!"  
  
"Er...Hermione...are you al right?" asked Ron sounding a bit worried. Hermione completely ignoring Ron, ran over to Snape and started belting out "You are so beautiful, to me, can't you seeeeeee, you're everything I hoped for, your everything I neeeeeed!" Octavia was now standing in the doorway of the bathroom laughing her ass off.  
  
"Well look at that Severus, one wash and you already have a fan club started."  
  
Snape turned to look at Octavia "Indeed? Well, it seems to me you must've been the first to join, judging by the way your eyes almost popped out of their sockets as I got out of the tub." He said with a note of amusement in his voice. Octavia turned a bright shade of scarlet and retreated back into the bathroom. Then all of a sudden Dumbledore flew through the air, looking rather like a ferocious parrot, and tackled Snape to the floor.  
  
Sounding like an in raged colored woman "You obtuse man-whore, she's mine and you can not have her! So take your cheap 2 cent ass back to the corner where it belongs!"  
  
"Riiiiight" Said Ron.  
  
"Dumbledore wot the hell are you talking about?" asked a bewildered Snape.  
  
He looked a bit crazed "Octavia!! She's MINE! ALL MINE! MUHAHAHAH!!" At this Octavia came back into the room.  
  
"Who the hell just screamed my name? What the hell is goin' on out here? Dumbledore, why the hell are you on top of Snape? Where the hell are my pantyhose?"  
  
"Octavia I LOVE YOU!" shouted Dumbledore.  
  
"When the hell did this happen? How the hell is that possible?"  
  
"Riiiiiiight." Said Ron at this confusing, chaotic scene.  
  
Dumbledore had completely lost it. "I want to have your babies!"  
  
"Riiiiight." Said Octavia and Ron in unison. "I think I'll just be off to fetch my pantyhose." She made for the door but before she could leave Dumbledore had lept in front of it. "Er.. Albus, do you mind moving?"  
  
"Yes, I do indeed."  
  
"Right then.." Then Dumbledore grabbed her head and laid a big smooch on her. When he let go Octavia looked absolutely horrified.  
  
"What's the matter Gum drop?"  
  
Octavia's mood changed quickly from horror to anger. "Listen gramps, if you ever do that again, you'll be pissing out of your ass and shitting out of your ears faster than you can blink, understand? And if i were you I'd move my wrinkled ass out of the way, before someone looses an extremity. MOVE now! (Dumbledore moved out of the way with out the slightest hesitation) Thank you, oh and Albus, I strongly suggest you try not to over dose on Mydixaflat. It's not healty." Then she saw something lacey, that looked awfully familiar sticking out of his robes. She pulled it out. "How did you get this?!" She said furiously holding up a very lacey, black bra. Dumbledore stayed quiet and immediately overted his eyes to the floor. "Hmm?" And what's this?!" Spotting something else sticking out. She pulled out a matching black thong. Snape raised his eyesbrows at the sight of the thong. "Your absolutely MAD! Honestly, stealing my under garments! So it was you that stole my lucky... I mean... pantyhose."  
  
A smile spread across Snape's face."Lucky pantyhose Octavia?" He raised an eyebrow. "Oh my, I wonder what those could possibly be for." Octavia turned bright scarlet again, and chose to ignore Snape's comments.  
  
"Well?!" She said irritably. "Where are my pantyhose?"  
  
"I don't have them." Said Dumbledore still looking at the floor.  
  
"Well that's a little hard to believe, concidering you seemed to have started a collection of my lingerie."  
  
"No I haven't" He said sheepishly.  
  
"Oh no? Then what are these?" As she waved the panty set in the air.  
  
"Those...are..."  
  
"Yes?!"  
  
"Aren't...yours..."  
  
"What?! Who the hell do they belong to then?" She examined the thong and noticed a shit stain. "UHHHH GROSS!" She quickly threw them to the floor.  
  
"Well...they belong to..." Their was a long pause. No one really cared, they're weren't very anxious to hear who the owner was.  
  
"M-Minerva!"  
  
Snape winced, Lupin shuddered, Ron gaged and Harry, well lets just say he was lucky there was a clean bed pan near by, Hermione, who was still in her trance payed no attention to this and just kept staring at Snape.  
  
"Blimey! Professor Dumbledore, you and Professor McGonagal-"  
  
"Don't say it boy!" Snape cut in. "I have enough horrid imagery running around in my mind right now." He looked at the thong on the floor and flinched. 


	5. The Man in the Pantyhose

Chapter 5:  
  
The Man in the Pantyhose  
  
Octavia now looking a bit sick "Does she even wipe?" At this everyone in the room, except Dumbledore gave loud groans of disgust. "I mean it's not a very hard process, you do your "bidness" then you swab the deck. Anyway, let's get off the topic of, Minerva's lack of moral practice, shall we say?." They all strongly agreed with this idea. "Now back to my missing pantyhose, if you don't have them...then who does?" (Eerie music plays) "Who would steal them?"  
  
Later that night at dinner. Lucius Malfoy burst in to the Great Hall. He must've dressed hastily because the front of his robes where tucked up in...  
  
"My lucky pantyhose!" Octavia yelled "Lucius is wearing my pantyhose!" Just about every head in the Great Hall turned to Mr. Malfoy. At once there was a thunderous eruption of laughter. Lucius's eyes widened, he looked down and clamped his thighs together covering himself with his hands. He look around at all the hysterically laughing faces and turned very red.  
  
"What are you all tittering at!" He bellowed (as if he didn't know)  
  
"I think that is quite obvious Lucius." Said Dumbledore with a tear of laughter running down his cheek. "It's not everyday the students get to see a full grown man in sparkly, orange, women's pantyhose, now is it?"  
  
"I'm in no mood for your nonsense Albus." He spat.  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow "His nonsense, ha! Your the one in Octavia's pantyhose!" And to every ones surprise, even to the people who started screaming in fits of laughter, at Snape's comment, were shocked.  
  
"Holy shit!" Whooped Ron and Snape in unison. "Did everyone just laugh at what I (he) said? They joined.  
  
"Albus!" Yelled Lucius "I'm here for Ugly."  
  
"Ugly? Is he leaving?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"For a bit, yes, I'm going on tour...I mean...we're taking a tour...of...(the first country that came to mind) Canada."  
  
"Canada, Eh?" Said Dumbledore. "And what about his schooling?"  
  
"I've hired a tutor for the road..."  
  
"Very well then."  
  
"Come on Ugly we have to go." Lucius yelled over to the Slytherin table. And immediately his son (formerly known as Draco now Ugly Malfoy) was at his side.  
  
"Father, you still have lipstick on you face." Ugly whispered. Lucius quickly whipped it off and lead his son toward the door.  
  
"Wait a minute!" yelled Octavia standing up. "You still have my pantyhose!" She shouted. Lucius looked back then made a run for it. "Hey! Come back here! I want my pantyhose!" And she quickly got up and ran toward the doors at lightning speed, as if to save a child from a burning building. From the open Great Hall door they heard scuffling, then a loud SPLAT.  
  
"You killed Britney! You Bitch!" Ugly cried.  
  
"Oh shut up Ugly he's not dead! Did you just call him Britney?" They heard Octavia reply.  
  
"Er...no..." He lied.  
  
"Yes you did! I distinctly heard you call him Britney!"  
  
By this point all the teachers had cleared the staff table and were now observing the situation in the Entrance Hall. Many students were packing out of the Great Hall to get a look at this.  
  
"Wha...What?" Said Lucius dazed from his head hitting the floor when Octavia jumped him.  
  
"Your son just called you Britney." chuckled Octavia.  
  
"WHAT?!" He shot a dangerous look at Ugly. And leapt up knocking Octavia to the floor.  
  
"I'm...I'm sorry father..." whimpered Ugly.  
  
"Dammit Ugly! What the hell is the matter with you?! Don't you ever learn, boy?! I'm still trying to cover up the last time you almost gave it away, when you thought it would be fun to show everyone daddy's dresses!."  
  
"Riiiight...Ok i don't know what kind of freaky shit goes on in your family, but all I want are my pantyhose and I'll leave you to it."  
  
"No!" Screamed Lucius.  
  
"What do you mean "No!" they're my pantyhose!" And Octavia jumped on Lucius once again, knocking them both to the floor, as they began rolling around on the ground, fighting.  
  
"They're mine biotch!" yelled Lucius.  
  
"NO! They are mine HOE!" howled Octavia.  
  
They heard Fred Weasley yell "Cat-fight!"  
  
Octavia reached down to try to pull her pantyhose off Lucius. She greatly regretted this. "AHHHHHH! You're not a man!" Turning to the crowd behind her, impersonating Austin Powers "It's a woman BAYBE!" 


	6. Lucius Spears

Chapter 6  
  
Lucius Spears?  
  
There where so many gasps, it felt as though all the air was being sucked out of the Great Hall. "What the f**k?!" Exclaimed Snape.  
  
Lucius put his hand over his face and shook his head. "I am not a woman."  
  
Octavia's eyebrows rose. "Well not according to that!" As she pointed to the upper part of the pantyhose.  
  
"I don't really have a HE-HER, it's just a spell."  
  
"Riiiiiight." About half of the people in the great hall said together.  
  
"Why the hell would you want to magically change your twig and berries into a female chia pet?!" Asked Octavia. Some of the first years in the room looked a bit confused.  
  
"Because he's BRITNEY SPEARS!" Exclaimed Ugly as he started to dance around and sing. "Oh baybay baybay how was I suppose to know..."  
  
"Riiiiiight..."  
  
"UGLY! Shut up!" Yelled Lucius. Most of the hall was still bewildered, people where asking:  
  
"Who is Britney Spears?" "Does he mean Brookney Queers?"  
  
But Hermione, Harry and Octavia, who lived in the muggle world when they were away from Hogwarts, were all rolling on the floor, howling with laughter .  
  
"AHAHAHAHAHAH. He's Britney Spears! AHAHAHAHAHA!. Octavia, with a shout of laughter. Harry got up off the floor and was attempting an odd looking dance while singing "I'm a slaaaave for you! HAHAHAHA!" As he fell back to the floor.  
  
"Al right! Enough." Lucius barked at the three. "Yes I am Britney Spears! For the past 5 years I've been leading a double life."  
  
As Ugly ripped off his shirt, fell to his knees and sung "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman."  
  
"Riiiiiiight."  
  
"That's enough Ugly, lets go!" Ordered Lucius. And Ugly stopped singing and went over to his father.  
  
"You have fun on tour now." Said Octavia, laughing. "Try not to dress too slutty."  
  
And Lucius turned around with a very nasty look on his face and spat in Octavia's direction and she quickly ducked, but the spit kept flying right toward Snape. (In slow motion) "Noooo!" And he went to run but before he could... SPLAT. Snape wobbled on the spot, as if he was just shot, and fell to the floor. Octavia rushed over. (a play on the dramatic I love you scenes from Titanic & Beauty and the Beast)  
  
"Severus!" She cried. "Are you alright?"  
  
"My HAIR!!" He screamed. "NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"  
  
"It's alright Severus, it will be alright.  
  
"No." He said weakly. "I don't think I'm going to make it, I'm cold, I'm so cold."  
  
"No Severus! You have to make it!"  
  
Snape shivered. "You'll live a long life Octavia; you'll die an old woman in a tree." He makes a snorting noise and pretends to die.  
  
I tear trickles down Octavia's face "No! I LOVE YOU!"  
  
Immediately opening his eyes, he said, "You do?"  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"Oh...right then."  
  
"But you are cute. And I think I have something that will save you." Then she pulled out a gleaming, gold bottle of Herbal Essence. Snape's eyes lit up.  
  
"Is t-that for me?" Asked Snape with a huge smile.  
  
"Yes of course it is." Replied Octavia.  
  
"Well give it here!" As he ripped the bottle out of her hands and opened it. A gust of wind came from the bottle with the same music that had been playing in the hospital wing. Then out of no where three men with what looked like almost glowing hair came striding into the great hall. One of the men had long blonde hair (Hermione's mouth dropped open at the sight of him and she stared dreamily at him like she had done to Snape) the other two had shoulder length brown hair. They walked over to where Snape and Octavia were. Octavia looked up at the three and smiled.  
  
The blonde one concededly flipped his long hair from side to side, hitting both of the other men in the face.  
  
"Legolas! What did I just tell you about that?!" Said one of the men.  
  
"Oh, sorry Aragorn."  
  
"Do be more careful!" Said the other, rubbing his eyes.  
  
"Yes, Boromir," Said Legolas as he looked down at Snape. "Again already Severus?"  
  
"Yes." Said Octavia, beaming up at him.  
  
"I've got spit in my hair!" Cried Snape.  
  
"Alright, we'd better get on with it." Said Legolas and the other two nodded. Legolas took the bottle from Snape and poured a sufficient amount into his hand and he tossed it to the others who did the same. Then the three of them started massaging it into Snape's hair.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSS." Screamed Snape. YESSS YESSSSS!" Percy plugged Ginny's ears.  
  
Octavia, dreamy eyed, like Hermione, stood over the man called Boromir's shoulder. She got so close to him she was practically on top of him. He looked over his shoulder at her.  
  
"Ehhh...Octavia...."  
  
"Yes love?"  
  
Dumbledore leapt through the air once again and slammed Boromir to the ground.  
  
"Listen slut bag! She is mine! All MINE-" At this point Octavia had jumped on Dumbledore.  
  
"Get the hell off him! You psychotic ass hole!"  
  
Then out of no where came Minerva, joining the pile "You get off of my man, you WHORE!"  
  
Snape gasped and then joined the pile as well, screaming, "She's not a whore, skid marks! Why don't you go wipe your ass?!" 


	7. It's Gettin' Hot In Herre

Chapter 7  
  
"It's Gettin' hot in herre"  
  
After about half an hour Fred and George, now accompanied by the money hungry Ludovic Bagman, had collected a good amount of money from bets people were placing on the fight. But Mr. Greenleaf had had enough. "Alright! Enough!" Yelled Legolas. No one listened. "Ok I didn't want to have to resort to this" He flipped his long hair, ready to strike, when...at that moment they heard strange, irresistible music, and everyone in the great hall turned their heads to see where it was coming from, they saw Dobby and a dozen other house elves, all thugged out, wearing baggy jeans with one leg rolled up and dew rags on their heads, carrying a big boom box, "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your robes" came blasting out of the speakers, and everyone started dancing. It wasn't pretty. Dumbledore was just shaking like he was having a seizure, who knows what the hell Minerva was attempting to do, Aragorn looked like he was doing some sort deformed jumping jacks, Snape seemed to have lost all control of his arms and was throwing them wildly around, saying "Missssssster Potter." Then he moved his hands around his face doing the Vogue while saying "Our...new...celebrity," Octavia was grinding w/ Boromir and Ludo Bagman at the same time, Hagrid was doing the funky chicken, Ron was just pumping his arms looking around with a cheesy grin on his face, while Hemione, Harry and Neville followed Octavia, Boromir and Ludo's lead, and Fudge and Sprout rolled through the door to join them. Dumbledore ordered a hundred kegs of butterbeer from The Three Broomsticks and they partied hard and late into the night. At around half past three, everyone was passed out all over the great hall. Everyone, that is, except Octavia, who was escorting Severus and Boromir to her chambers.  
  
Octavia planned to lay the two hottest guys in the castle. She sat them both on her bed, and just when she was about to make two nice, colorful Hawaiian lays for them...Gandalf popped out of her wardrobe."Horrible, absolutely horrible." He grumbled.  
  
"Er..Gandalf, what the hell were you doing in my dresser? And what is absolutely horrible?" Octavia asked.  
  
Ignoring her first question, Gandalf said grumpily, "This Castle, it's so dark and and bleak, and the furniture is all old and depressing. I think the castle needs a make-over!"  
  
"Riiight."  
  
"I think I'll go and ask Dumbledore!" And he hurried out of the room.  
  
"You do that," yawned Octavia, "Mind scooting over a bit boys? I need some sleep."  
  
  
  
When Octavia, Boromir and Severus woke up the next morning. Octavia rubbed her eyes went to sit up and -- "Ouch! What the hell?" She had hit her head on a gigantic plastic rainbow that was hanging from the ceiling. She looked around and saw that her room had completely changed; the walls were painted a bright pink with little rainbows everywhere. "What the hell happened to my room?" She demanded, looking over at the door. Three people were standing there- Gandalf, some woman Octavia had never seen before, and a camera man.  
  
"Oooh she's up!" Said Gandalf happily.  
  
"So how do you like your rum?" The woman asked.  
  
"Er..my rum?"  
  
"No she said how do you like your room." Said Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, it's...um...well.it looks like we're in some crazy fag house. I mean look at the pink walls and all these rainbows! The person that decorated it must've been some pin-cushion flamer!" Octavia said.  
  
Gandalf cleared his throat loudly. Snape looked at him curiously.  
  
"I happen to be the crazy fag, pin-cushion flamer that decorated this room," Gandalf said irritably.  
  
Snape's eyes widened and he looked away from Gandalf.  
  
"And I also re-decorated yours." He said with a smile.  
  
"WOT?!" And Snape hopped out of the bed and rushed toward the door, where Gandalf stopped him and, in a flirty voice, whispered in his ear, "I left a special surprise in there for you." And he winked at him.  
  
Snape shot him a grossed out look and rushed to see what sort of idiotic flaming scheme Gandalf had come up with for his room. 


	8. It's Raining Rainbows!

another disclaimer: I don't own any of J.R.R Tolkien's characters. Yeah that must be a hard one to figure out.  
  
Chapter 8 It's Raining Rainbows!  
  
Octavia followed him out of curiosity, and Boromir followed because he was getting freaked out at the way Gandalf seemed to be sizing him up. When Snape got to his room he imediately saw what Gandalf called a "special suprise" - a life-size cardboard cut out of Gandalf...NUDE!  
  
Snape looked horrified "Oh my--" *PUKE*  
  
When Octavia reached Snape's room, closely followed by Boromir, she found Snape on the floor clutching his stomach, looking very sick. "Severus what's the-- She looked through the open door to his room "AHHH! What the hell is THAT!" As she twicthed, at the site of Gandalf's naked body. Boromir looked inside also.  
  
"Good God!" He screamed and quickly caught a case of the dry heaves. "That's *gag* DISGUSTING! *gag*"  
  
A couple minutes later, with Boromir still gaging and Octavia now puking alongside Snape, Gandalf strolled in with a huge, gay-like grin on his face. He looked at Boromir who shuddered, then at Octavia and Snape on the floor. "What's the matter Sevi-poo? Didn't like my present?"  
  
Snape struggling to speak while puking. "I'm not *puke* a *&%*ing butt- bumper Gandalf! And don't EVER call me Sevi-poo again!"  
  
"Oh but we can change that." As he walked over, turned around, squatted and rubed his butt on Snape's leg.  
  
Snape's eyes bulged, he stopped puking, "What exactly do you think you're doing? Just because YOU like to explore the plumbing doesnt mean that I like to!" As he hopped up and ran out of the dungeon screaming "FAG! FAG IN THE DUNGEON! FAAAAAAG IN THE DUNGEON!"  
  
At this Octavia stood up "You stay away from him! You a** raiding, butt- lovin', cushion savage! I'm warning you!" And she ran after Snape.  
  
"Well...I see Snape's rejected me, but there is still. you." Gandalf said, looking at Boromir, who looked like he was in shock. Gandalf shifted toward him, batting his eyelashes. "You find me sexy, don't you Boromir?"  
  
"Uhhh..." Gandalf pinched his butt. "AHHHHHHH!!!!" And he, similar to Snape, went screaming out of the dungeon. "A** GRABBER! A** GRABBER IN THE DUNGEON!  
  
Octavia found Snape in the great hall being comforted by the Notorious H-o- o-ch.  
  
*A mug shot of Hooch is shown* Now on the set of 'Britains Most Wanted', a man starts talking "This woman is wanted in just about every country in Europe, for being a Hoochie mama,as her name clearly states. She is extremely dangerous and could hump at any moment. She may be using any of the following names: Madame Slut, Pros Titute, Hoe In A Robe or Whorella Quickfoot. If you have seen this woman or have any information relating to her please call: 1-800-Kill-Hoes or visit us on the web at: www.killhoes.org/those/nasty/bitches/must/die  
  
Back at Hogwarts. Snape was sobbing in Hooches arms. "A-and then he tried to hump my leg!" As Hooch was rubbing his back then moved her hands down to his bum.  
  
Octavia looked a bit pissed. "Ahem," she said loudly. "If it isn't 'Fluffies', it's 'HOOCHies'." She said, shooting a look at Hooch  
  
Snape looked at Hooch. Obviously he hadn't realized who he was bawling on. "Ew, why the hell am I crying on YOU!" And he pushed her away. Just then Boromir burst into the great hall still screaming "A** grabber a** grabber in the dungeon! ..Thought you ought to know." And he pulled a Quirrell and fainted.  
  
"Boromir!" Octavia cried, and ran over to him. Snape just rolled his eyes. (Is he feeling a bit jealous?) "Boromir!? Are you alright?!"  
  
"Yea... I'm just really tired." And he laid his head on Octavia's lap. (Octavia thinks "Hey now!") "It was a long run up here from the dungeon, and I was screaming all the way."  
  
"Oh." She smiled. "I see."  
  
Snape stood over the two, arms folded. "Octavia? I thought Lucius took your lucky pantyhose?"  
  
"What?" Octavia asked. Snape motioned his eyes and noded in Bormir's direction, with a nasty look on his face.  
  
"Oh, Severus don't be a pric--"  
  
Dumbledore came in very out of breath. "We...need...to...get...all the children...inside the great hall." He panted. Hooch ran over and and started humping Dumbledore's leg. "Uhh...get off?" He said uncertainly, kicking her off.  
  
"What's the matter Albus? Why do we need to get all the children inside?" Asked Minervawhore.  
  
"There's something running wild in the castle... And it did this..." He walked out the door and he returned with Gilderoy Lockhart, who was in a hot pink, frilly, wedding dress sort of thing, with a pair of high-heeled hot pink boots to match, pink lipstick, his eyebrows had been plucked and he had a face full of heavily caked on make-up, with rainbow hair.  
  
"Ughhhhh! What the hell kind of creature would do that to someone?" said Octavia.  
  
"I did!" Said Gilderoy proudly. "Do you like it?" Pushing his hair up.  
  
"Uhhhh...no, not particularly."  
  
"Well if you did that, then who did.." Began Dumbledore, leaving the great hall again, only to return with another person.  
  
Everyone in the room shrieked.  
  
"Who is that!?" Asked Boromir sounding distressed. The man, if it was in fact a man, that Dumbledore brought in had a head full of extremely long bright violet banana curls and long eyelashes, also heavily make-uped, wearing a short, orange go-go dress, with matching thigh high go-go boots. He started sobbing into his hands.  
  
"It's me!. Screamed the man. "LEGOLAS!"  
  
Everyone looked dreadfully shocked.  
  
"And this was at the scene of the crime." Dumbledore pulled a big piece of cardboard out from behind the door...  
  
Octavia, twitching, cried, "Gandalf!"  
  
"Oh no, not that again!" Said Boromir covering his eyes.  
  
"WHYYYYYYYY?!" Screamed Legolas who was now on his knees. "My HAIR ! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" And he started crying uncontrollably.  
  
"Er.. it'll be alright Leggie." Said Octavia patting him on the back. "I'm sure Madam Pomfrey can fix everything." At that moment they heard, what sounded like a heated argument coming from the great hall.  
  
"I wont do it! I just wont!" They heard one voice say.  
  
"Oh come on Laurence, it's just a few rainbows!" Said another voice.  
  
"No! The castle is absolutely smashing just as it is, and i will not alter the interior in any way."  
  
"Dammit Laurence! What do you think I called you guys in for? Your show is called 'Changing' Rooms."  
  
Octavia "That's Gandalf's voice! Lets get him!" 


	9. Please! Keep On Your Pants & Jacket

Chapter 9 Keep On Your Pants and Jacket  
  
Octavia was the first to charge out of the great hall doors, closely followed by Dumbledore, Minervawhore, Snape and Boromir.  
  
"Alright Gandalf!(who she noticed for some odd reason was wearing a trench coat) I've had enough of you trying to spread your homo love! You're going down!" And she went to tackle him but before she could.... Gandalf had opened his trench coat to reveal....nothing but his bare skin. "AHHHHH MY EYES!" Octavia covered her face with her arms and fell to the floor. "I'm blind! I'm FRICKIN' BLIND!"  
  
"Uhhh Octavia, your eyes are shut." said Boromir.  
  
"Oh...right then." And she opened her eyes.  
  
"You bastard! How dare you flash her!" Yelled Snape as he looked as though, he too was going to attempt a lunge. Gandalf held on to the front of his coat as though he was about to open it again. And Snape not wanting to see the horrible site slowly started backing away.  
  
"HAHAHAHA ! That's what I thought!" Said Gandalf tauntingly. "Now I'll just be off."  
  
Just then, Neville Longbottom was walking down the hall. Gandalf looked at him and a broad smile spread across his face. Then he pirouetted across the hall and grabbed Neville. "Might as well take another victim." He said in a strangely mad voice.  
  
"V-v-victim?" Studdered Nieville.  
  
"Yes! Victim! Muuuuhahahahaha!" cackled Gandalf. All of a sudden Neville's pants seemed to have sprung a leak. "What the hell?" Said Gandalf "Ughhh! I don't want to take you NOW! You piss pot!" He looked around for someone else and decided to grab the person nearest to him; Octavia.  
  
"Ahhh ! What the hell do you think you're doing? Let me go!" As he threw her over his shoulder and took off down a corridor. They heard Octavia screaming for atleast 10 minutes, things like "You damn pillow pusher! Where the hell do you think you are? Fags R Us?" Then when her screams where out of ear shot. Snape said "What are we going to do?! We can't just leave him to torture her!"  
  
"It's all my fault!" Whimpered Boromir. "I could've saved her!"  
  
"No! It's not your fault! You couldn't have done anything!" Said Snape reassuringly.  
  
Dumbledore seemed to be pondering. "No, Severus is right, you alone couldn't've stopped him. I don't think any of us here have the power to stop him. He has too much flammer strength. I think it's time we call on...."  
  
"Ghost Busters!" Said Gilderoy brightly, as he stepped into the entrance hall.  
  
"No Gilderoy, not ghost busters, we need to call on our brothers of 'the Force'."  
  
"What do you mean, like LAPD or something?" Asked Boromir  
  
"No! I'm talking about our brothers of 'the Force.' You know, the Jedi."  
  
"Oooooh."  
  
"I'll go send my dear friend Obi-Wan an owl...no wait, that wont do, I'll have to try and magic up a post droid. While I'm off doing that, if you three," he turned to look at Severus, Boromir and Minerva, "Would kindly collect all the students and staff and escort them inside the great hall." The three nodded and were off.  
  
The great hall was filled with a buzz of chatter for quite sometime, until Dumbledore had told everyone it was time for bed and they would be informed of all that was going on, in the morning.  
  
The morning came quickly, since it seemed to start at 5:00 am, when all of a sudden a group of people and creatures, that none of the students had ever seen before burst through the doors. Lead by a rather youthful looking man, holding what looked like a glowing sword of light. "Where is he?!" He demanded. As he moved from side to side gripping his glowing sword tightly.  
  
"Anikan! Put your light sabre away!" Said another man, with light brown hair and a beard to match. He was wearing light brown robes. "Now Anikan!" And the young man reluctantly extinguished his "light sabre".  
  
"Ahh Obi-Wan!" Said Dumbledore making his way to the front of the great hall. "I didn't expect to see you here so soon."  
  
"Yes, well, young Anikan here was so anxious to get here, he rushed us all on a brand new ship, that was built for quick travel. The thing is, it had never been tested before now, and could've just exploded at any moment!" He said scornfully looking at the man named Anikan, who tried to argue.  
  
"But i was only--  
  
"I don't want to hear it!" said Obi-Wan.  
  
"But--  
  
"I won't listen to your excuses!"  
  
"Obi--  
  
"Zip it!"  
  
"N--  
  
"I think someone needs to take a visit to www.shhh.com."  
  
"Grrrr."  
  
"Anyway." Said Obi-Wan still eying Anikan. "You have our full services." He said as Dumbledore nodded.  
  
"We need to--  
  
Then the 2 doors of the great hall burst open yet again. It was Octavia, her robes were ripped and torn and she seemed to be greatly shooken up. Everyone turned to look at her. "No! I will not sleep with Hooch Gandalf! Noooo! Ahhh Get away from me! Ahhhh!! Lesbian germs!!" And she fell to the floor.  
  
"Octavia!" Screamed Snape and Boromir together. 


	10. Hogtied and Pistol Whipped

Alright ppl, show me sum luv! Tell me how I'm doing! Flame me if ya want! JUST REVIEW! Reviewing makes me wanna write more! It makes me feel good! Lol. Ok enough of that. Well atleast I have one fan *shines light on sk8er_chick* Thank you sk8ter_chick! *hands her a bouque of roses* Oooh I almost forgot! I want to thank ma buddy Ericka for editing chapters 1-9! GO ERICKA! YOU RAWK! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 10  
  
Hog-tied and Pistol Whipped  
  
Boromir and Snape ran over to her.  
  
"Octavia?" Obi-Wan asked. "Octavia Eve?"  
  
"Octavia are you ok?" Asked Severus, sounding very worried.  
  
"Are you alright?" Asked Boromir sounding equally as worried.  
  
"Wha...what...oh I'm fine. Said Octavia looking very dazed.  
  
Obi-wan was now standing infront of her. "Octavia! It is you!" He exclaimed.  
  
"What?" She said coming out of her trance. She looked up at Obi- wan."WEINER?!?!" Snape and Boromir had "what-the-friggin-hell?" kinda , look on their faces. " I mean...er... Obi?  
  
Obi smiled and blushed a bit "Yes, it's me."  
  
"Long time since we...I mean...long time no see. Heh." And she rubbed the back of her neck. Snape raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I'm guessing you wore your lucky pantyhose alot around this guy?"  
  
"Heh. I mean NO! NEVER!" said Octavia. Obi's eyes bulged and he just looked at the ceiling and started whistling. Octavia looked nervous. " I swear ......"  
  
"Oh really Octavia?" Asked Snape.  
  
"Heh...(Trying to change the subject)... So has anyone caught Gandalf yet?" No one said anything "Anyone... Anyone at all?"  
  
"No" said Dumbledore. "But I'm guessing you were the last to see him."  
  
Anakin ran over and grabbed Octavia by the collar of her robes. "You saw him?! Where is he?!" And he started shaking her violently.  
  
"Will you calm down?! You're about to give me whip-lash!"  
  
And Anakin stopped. "Sorry about that, just got a little worked up."  
  
"Yeah, I kinda noticed." said Octavia massaging her neck. "He was up in the Divination room, w/ Hooch and Trelawny."  
  
"Hooch and Trelawny are in on it too?" Asked Dumbledore.  
  
"Oooh yeah." Said Octavia nodding and looking a bit scared.  
  
"You know where he is! Let's go then!" Said Anikan as he grabbed her and took off, w/ her floppy behind him like a rag doll. She just shook her head.  
  
Everyone else followed.  
  
"Which way is it?!" Anikan demanded, still running, looking wildly around. Then all of a sudden... "AHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" There was a giant message written on the wall, in what looked like hot pink lip-stick. Octavia read it.  
  
"The Closet of Secrets has been opened, All enimies of the Purple Rainbow shall be hogtided and pistol whipped! That means you Anikan! Muhahaha! I'll make sure I personally whip your pistol! Muuuhahaha." Octavia raised an eyebrow. "So he wants to whip your pistol, eh?" She sat down next to Anikan who was now on the floor bawling. "It'll be alright." Snape had found them. ( With the whole student body behind him on tip toes trying to be inconspicuous)  
  
Snape who was very out of breath. "Ah I found you!" He looked down at Anikan who was still bawling. "What's wrong with *him*?"  
  
"Oh, he's just about to get hogtide and pistol whipped by Gandalf."  
  
Snape gaged along with almost every boy in the group of "inconspicuous" students. Snape went to turn around, but just before he did Percy directed the entire group of students behind a wall.  
  
"Hmm...Thought I heard something."  
  
Anakin suddenly stood up. "I'm not gonna let him scare me! I am a Jedi like my father before me! Wait... that's my future son's line. Er....I am a MAN like my father before me!"  
  
"Well I would hope so." Said Octavia.'  
  
"And I will not let anyone pistol whip me!" Anakin continued. "I'm going to go CUT HIS HAND OFF!!!! YESSSS! THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO!" And he took off. And the whole group of inconspicuous students took off after him, Percy directing the way.  
  
"Righ then." Said Octavia."Should we follow?"  
  
"Might as well." 


	11. Love Connection

disclaimer: I don't own Austin Powers! He is owned by whoever owns him....yeah...  
  
Chapter 11  
  
Love Connection  
  
On there way to the Divination room, they found Boromir head first in a trash can. Apparently the group of 'inconspicuous students' got a bit excited while they were running after Anakin and knock poor Boromir into it. So Octavia took the can off his head and they were off toward the room once again.  
  
When they got there, they were all reluctant to climb into the room, fearing what they might find. But Octavia being either brave or just plain stupid, decided she would go first. She climbed up the latter quickly with Snape and Boromir close behind. When they all entered the room they saw Anakin right away, he was already hog-tied and just about to get pistol whipped when Octavia screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gandalf looked up.  
  
"Oh I see you've come to witness this special event, have you?"  
  
"No, we've come to stop it! Now put the pistol-whip down!" Octavia said loudly.  
  
"HAHA why should I?" Replied Gandalf w/ a snort.  
  
"Because...(Octavia thought)because...er...Oh come on! It's just not RIGHT!"  
  
"Sorry Octie, that isn't a good enough answer, now I will proceed in taking this boy to the other side."  
  
"The other side?" Octavia, Boromir and Snape asked together.  
  
Gandalf just laughed menacingly.  
  
"You mean... you're going to kill him?" Asked Boromir, grabbing the handle of his sword "I will not let that happen."  
  
"NO you idiot! The other *side* , y'know MY world."  
  
All three of them looked stumped.  
  
Gandalf shook his head in aggravation "Bloody frickin' hell , are you three dense or something? I'M GOING TO TURN HIM INTO A FLUFFIE!"  
  
They all gasped. "NO YOU WILL NOT ! I AM A MAN LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME AND I WILL KEEP MY FAMILY TRADITION ALIVE BY PROCEEDING TO CUT OFF YOUR HAND!!!" Said Anakin sounding very angry. Gandalf nudge him and whispered "No, you have to cut your future son's hand off, not mine."  
  
"Oooh, ok then...um... Ahh I've got it! I'll slaughter you like an animal! Because that's what you are AN ANIMAL!"  
  
"Much better." Said Gandalf reassuringly. Anakin nodded appreciatively.  
  
"Can we get on with it?" Asked an impatient Snape.  
  
"Oh, right." Said Gandalf. "Where was I....Oh yes... I'M BRINING HIM TO WALNUT LAND SO HE CAN PLAY WITH ALL THE WALNUT CHILDREN!! MUUUUUHAHAHHA.  
  
"Erm....."  
  
"Oops, I mean, I'M GOING TO TURN HIM INTO A FLUFFIE! Like myself , in fact maybe I'll make him...(close up of Gandalf's face) a mini me!" He put his pinky to his mouth, all doctor evil-ish, smiled toothily and raised the pistol-whip.  
  
"NOOOOO!! for the love of everything not fluffie and pink PUT THAT WHIP DOWN!" yelled Snape, realizing what it would be like having another Gandalf running around.  
  
"Sorry, can't do that." Said Gandalf.  
  
"If you do... we'll give you anything you want!" Said Octavia getting desperate. Gandalf raised an eyebrow and immediately looked in Snape and Boromir's direction. Snape and Boromir shot terrified looks at each other.  
  
"NO!" Said Octavia jumping in front of them. "Anything but Snape or Boromir!."  
  
Gandalf looked a little disappointed. He sat thinking. "Well.... I've always wanted to be...."  
  
Next thing you know everyone was on the set of LOVE CONNECTION. Boromir, Snape, and Obi-Wan were dressed in tight black pants but instead of full shirts they just had collars and cuffs. Snape put his face in his hand and shook his head. "Octavia! Why the hell do we have to be dressed like this?"  
  
"ANNNNNNNNNNND WELCOME TO THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE CONNECTION." Said an amazingly annoying voice.  
  
"And why does he have to be the host." Said Boromir pointing to a man in a bright green suit, in the center of the room.  
  
"And how did I get into this? I don't think Gandalf even knew I was in the castle!" Said Obi-wan  
  
"Because Galdalf wanted you to wear it and he absolutely adores Graham Norton (night time talk show host on the BBC) And come on, it's alot better than him doing what he almost did to Anakin, to you."Boromir and Snape both strongly agreed with this and stopped complaining. Octavia didn't answer Obi's question she just looked at him with a gigantic smirk and bit her lip.  
  
"WELCOME! All you lovely, lovely people! I have been privileged enough to be asked to do this special show tonight! And I'm just ecstatic about it!" Said Graham giggling. "Why don't we get on it.. I mean get on *with* it." And he giggled again. "Alright our lucky bachelor, and a cutie if i do say so myself is..... GANDALF THE GREY!!" Gandalf came out wearing daisy dooks and a tight t-shirt. "Oh, don't you look absolutely ravishing!"  
  
"Thanks." He said stopping to kiss Graham on the cheek. Then Gandalf found his seat and sat down.  
  
"Alright on to the contestants!" And the camera moved to 3 screens, each with a shadowed person on them. All three contestants looked like....  
  
"WOMEN!!!" Exclaimed Gandalf standing up. He looked angrily over at Octavia.  
  
"Hey, I didn't pick them! Graham's assistant did!"  
  
Gandalf then looked suspiciously at Graham, who pointed to his assistant, a tall man with bulging muscles dressed like Boromir, Snape, and Obi,who pointed the woman next to him, who pointed to the man beside her, who pointed to...*dun dun dun* "Austin Danger Powers." Said a man in a sly voice. Yes I picked them."  
  
By this time Gandalf was very confused and just decided to sit down. "Whatever! Just get on with it!"  
  
"AL RIGHT! First question! *Graham cleared his throat* Contestant #1 *he started reading off a note card* Which would you prefer to wear on the beach, A. black swimming trunks. *Graham shook his head* B. A rainbow speedo. *Graham nodded happily* C. A pink thong. or D. Nothing at all! Oooh I like D!  
  
Contestant #1 "NOTHING BABY!"  
  
"I like him already!" Said Graham. Gandalf nodded and wrote something down.  
  
Contestant #2 "None of them!" Said a very agitated voice.  
  
"Oh, two nudist!"  
  
Contestant #2 "No that's not what I meant! GRRRRRRR How do I get myself into these things!"  
  
Contestant #3: *Mumble*  
  
"Sorry dear, what was that?"  
  
They heard another mumble and the sound of metal scraping.  
  
"Oh dear, he doesn't seem much like a talker, but he does seem a bit feisty! That's always good!" And he winked. "Ok, on to question #2. Ooooh." Graham squealed "This is a goody! What is your favorite position! Then Graham held his hand to the speaker in his ear. "They're telling me to keep reading. Oh...what's your favorite position in Rugby, DRAT! The other question was just so much more interesting."  
  
Contestant #1 still answering the first question "ON TOP BABY!! WHUUUUUU!"  
  
Graham raised an eyebrow "Oh I really like him!" And Gandalf smiled and wrote something else down.  
  
Contestant #2 "Well I am good at keeper but--  
  
"Oh just shut up! You're no fun!" Said Graham.  
  
Contestant #3: More scraping metal sounds.  
  
"Alright then, here is our 3rd and final question, Who killed Kennedy? What? What kind of question is that?"  
  
Contestant #1 *singing* "I'm to sexy for my shirt! So sex-aaaaaaaaaaaaay it hurts!"  
  
"YES! I bet you are!"  
  
Contestant #2 "Who is Kennedy?"  
  
Contestant #3 : A loud snapping noise.  
  
"Al right, Gandalf you have your 3 wonderful...well you have your *one* wonderful contestant here. Who did you choose?!"  
  
Gandalf smirked and help up a card with the # 1 on it.  
  
"YESSSSSSS! Good choice old boy! Good choice! But before we meet your date, we have to meet the other 2 losers.  
  
Contestant #2 if you would come out please. And out came a very disgruntled looking elf, with his arms folded.  
  
"Oh my! I guess I was wrong!" Said Graham checking the elf out. "And what is your name you fine lad? And Graham winked at him.  
  
"Haldir."  
  
"Ooh how manly, how rugged, how--  
  
And Graham was on the floor, for Haldir had punched him square in the jaw. "Annoying bastard!" Said Haldir as he stormed off.  
  
"MY NOSE MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE IT'S BROKEN!"  
  
"Erm... he punched you in the jaw." Said Octavia.  
  
"Oh..right.. MY JAW MY BEAUTIFUL JAW!"  
  
"Will you SHUT UP And get on with it! The sooner I put some clothes on, the better!" Yelled Snape, who was now hiding behind Boromir.  
  
"Oh al right!" Said Graham getting up. Contestant #3 if you would--  
  
All of a sudden a man with a light sabre jumped out looking around wildly. "Where is he? Where is that bloody bastard that chained me up back there?" He looked up at the seats and then at the exit and started to run.  
  
"Sir!" Graham called after him. "I don't think i got your name."  
  
The man still running turned his head and said "Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon Jin."  
  
"Ok then. ANYWAY HERE IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! Gandalf your date, CONTESTANT #1!!!"  
  
A tall man with long white hair came striding out, wearing a pink mini skirt,belly shirt and long, fake eye-lashes. Gandalf stood up. "SAUROMAN! I didn't know you were--  
  
"Quiet my love, we'll have plenty of time to talk later." As he approached Gandalf and laid a big SMOOCH on him. After kissing they skipped off into the sunset.  
  
With a wave of her wand everyone was back at Hogwarts. "Well I'm glad that's over!" Said Octavia as she, Snape, Boromir and Obi all slumped down onto a big couch."  
  
THE END 


End file.
